For the last hour and a half, I have been transcribing an interview with the UK’s biggest female porn director. Quite why anyone wanted to talk to her for this long is beyond me.

‘The funniest things that I’ve ever seen happen on set are probably when the girls fart or the cameras get covered in spunk,’ giggles Ioni Luvcoxx cheerfully. ‘Oh, and once we were doing a water sports scene, and the whole camera crew got soaked.’
I hit the pause button on the dictaphone to type up this latest revelation and take a tentative sip of tea. ‘Actually, we were all really shocked that time, because the girl literally sprayed the whole room- it wasn’t human! There was piss all over the camera man’s face and I got wet too. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t smelt so horrible. We got the girl back though at the end of the scene though. I had the guy shove her head down the toilet as he came on her back.’

I was starting to feel dizzy.

“Are you nearly done with that?” asks Matt, the sandy haired staff-writer who has given me the task of typing up and editing his latest masterpiece.

“Yes, and it’s a great interview,” I simper, “Ioni Luvcoxx, eh? She must have gone through hell at school with a name like that.”

Matt laughs and wanders off. I am on my third day of work experience at Men’s Mag and I’m not sure that it is for me. I have already had to call ten convents to find out if any of the nun’s would like to test fireworks for a Guy Fawkes special (they wouldn’t) and called an orphanage to… Actually, I don’t even want to admit what I asked the nice lady at the orphanage.

“Is it ok if I use my lunchbreak to do an interview of my own?” I ask the eighteen year old editorial assistant, who is in charge of me. She has an impressive crop of spots, a yellow fringe and nails that look like they are made out of plastic.

She takes a break from her magazine to look up curiously. “Sure, who’s it for?”

“The Daily Gazette.” I answer, “I got a job there just after I got accepted for work experience on Men’s Mag, but I wanted to see what working on a magazine was like, so I told them I couldn’t start for two weeks. I’m going to interview Sting.”

She looks impressed. So she should. It’s impressive stuff, or at least it would be if everything were quite as it seemed.